The Accidental Husband

This movie interested me because Denny from Grey's Anatomy is in it. Jeffrey Dean Morgan always looks sooo handsome and slightly terminally ill. I mean, dude gets cast as a dead guy multiple times. Izzie cuts the valves & ruins the show (but man that was an amazing dress). He was the dead patriarch on Supernatural which I am surprised I never got into AND He also is the deceased Judah Botwin on Weeds. It really makes me wonder if Nancy & her "boo-hoo I won't sleep with my hot, hilarious brother-in-law but I can consistently sip iced coffee & wear these short shorts after being a mother of three" ass ever deserved him. Probably not, Nancy. You ruined everything after you decided not to pursue Conrad and live happily ever after. But back to Denny--Jeffrey Dean Morgan-- he has those dreamy "I'll play baseball with our children" eyes. Swoon.

In this movie The Accidental Husband he lives in Astoria and sports an exaggerated Bronxish/Brooklinish/Queensish accent & is employed as a NYC city fireman. I must note he is way better at being a fireman than friggin' Dean Cain. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is not going to run around in a cape (not even in The Watchmen) and he would never pursue Denise Richards (Sorry, Denise, you're so pretty!)

So we're in New York City, and the film is actually shot in NYC props props. There are little flower stand bodegas & bars full of really attractive man having drinks together. A note on the latter: the inaccuracy of this bar is that it is not Splash, The Metropolitan, The Monster or The Eagle or any other gay bar du juor it is just a sports bar with no women in except Uma Thurman. Yeah, she is in this movie too.

(Is this even a real lifetime original? It seems too high budget. Okay, I just googled it apparently they released this one in theaters. The sets were a give away. Lifetime doesn't shoot on location, they shoot in Canada. Regardless, this is Made for TV material.)

Uma Thurman is a radio host, Dr. Emma Lloyd. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie Dr.Lloyd (Thurman) gives some advice to a bride to be. Telling said bride to break-up with her fiance. She listens to the advice. Guess who the fiance is? Alright, I already gave it away. It's Denny errr Patrick Sullivan. Patrick is rightfully pissed at the C U Next Tuesday Dr.Lloyd so out of spite he has his whiz kid neighbor hack into the public records and instead of giving the good lady a D.U.I or registering her as a sex offender he has whiz kid change the public record to say that he Patrick Sullivan and the marriage-wrecker-advice-giver Dr.Lloyd are married! Dun da dun.

I should start doing this. Sorry asshole, we're married! Surprise!!!!

Uma could have gone forever without finding out, but she is supposed to marry Colin Firth. I am not even going to bother learning his movie name. Anyway she can't marry Colin Firth because she's already married to Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Now this is how we got to the sports bar full of hot straight men earlier. Uma tracks down "Patrick Sullivan of ASTORIA, NEW YORK) which is in Queens btw. She then precedes to do a bunch of shots, remove the top of her suit jacket and recite the names of the presidents. She gets so sloppy wasted while trying to serve him divorce papers that she passes out. Patrick Sullivan being the ideal bro flings Thurman over his shoulder & puts her to bed for the night. You have to appreciate a man carrying a woman cave man style. This only has happened to me once and I am pretty sure it was after I spent the evening projectile vomiting. Whoops.

Here is the part where they always lose me and make me feel like I go about all of my relationships the wrong way.

The day after Emma Lloyd passes out in firefighters bed she wakes up freaks out runs around frantic in her walk of shame clothes. She tracks firefighter Patrick down and tells him how urgent it is that they go get this divorce settled etc etc But Emma has to also plan her wedding today. Today right now! All the appointments. Since you can't take 2 separate cabs & meet at the courthouse around 2 PM Patrick goes with Dr.Lloyd to taste wedding cakes! Just the two of them, a day around New York, both of them with fiances.

Let's talk about wedding cake. Do you know how often I crave wedding cake? Very frequently. I understand that wedding cake doesnt mean "white cake" or "devil's food cake" that it can be any kind of cake, but it always tastes better at weddings. At weddings you are so blitzed from the open bar that the wedding cake has no calories & who cares if Cousin Joey is feeling you up on the dance floor- as long as he's not your cousin- and there is an ample supply of dirty Shirley's & buttercream frosting. Wedding Cake, let's do this.

This movie can now go two ways.

1) Patrick Sullivan and Emma Lloyd get divorced. Sullivan goes back with the fiance that Dr.Lloyd advised to leave him & Dr.Lloyd marries annoying Colin Firth.

OR

2) Running all these errands together Patrick & Emma find so much appeal in the new stranger next to them because they are bored out of their minds after boning the same person for years and somehow think this will be different. It will be different because Colin Firth is so annoying. They could stay together and the uptight Upper East Sider could forever love the firefighter from Queens despite their quirky differences.


If this was a proper made for TV movie neither of those scenarios would take place and Patrick Sullivan's original fiance would stalk & murder Dr.Lloyd who ruined her life and married her man. Colin Firth could also end up turning into a zombie, infecting Jeffrey Dean Morgan who bites Uma Thurman thereby letting us now how shit got started before episode 1 of The Walking Dead.

Don't watch this one. Just imagine the last scenario a few times. Ahhhhhh!!!!

Everyone has AIDS (Especially pretty Lifetime blonds)

I hate a Lifetime Movie that makes me want to take an STD test on a daily basis. After watching She's Too Young I was pretty sure my cervix was a tumor. HIV is a whole other matter. It's not funny, and RENT has gone off Broadway. Regardless, this was one of the best Lifetime Originals I've viewed in a long while. This is stuff that really happens. Seeing the way it's portrayed can be over the top or exaggerated, but this is one of the times where a point needs to be made. I know so many people in their 20's who think that they could never catch an STD, let alone HIV & teenagers are even worse when it comes to thinking about consequences.

Girl, Positive stars little Julie from Desperate Housewives (Andrea Bowen) as Rachel, a 17 year old high school. Rachel is an upper middle class senior with a fairly attractive & cocky boyfriend named Greg, a starring place on the soccer team & a single mom who dresses like a ho because she's trying to hit the dating scene again at the fresh faced age of five-two. When the movie opens the school is grieving the lost of their old football hero, Jason. After graduating Jason dies in a tragic car accident. You can see banners of the kid hanging all over the school & a lot of students are quite torn up.

Enter Jenny Garth, as adorable substitute teacher Sarah. She bikes to school with ear buds in! Aweee. Anyway, the assistant principle is real into her but Sarah is super dismissive of male attention, one of those attractive size 2 beauties that looks shocked when a dude wants to ride the pony. Maybe Substitute Teacher Sarah has a deep dark secret or maybe she knows that this dude will go on to play Scott Peterson in his next flick. I mean, how can you trust someone that plays Scott Peterson? Totally not taking a ride out on your boat, buddy.

Sarah is a good sub. She makes ya think. She talks about medical breakthroughs. And when AIDs is brought up she is pretty surprised to hear how the kids in Biology class think they could not get HIV. She does one of those "When you sleep with someone you are sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with" things. Bobby in the corner says kids around here don't use needles; Tracy in the front row says all her partners have been clean. Sarah looks ready to flip her shit & makes the class stand up to explain how easily HIV can be spread. The viewer at this point knows that shit is going no place good. When you have the whole senior class standing up in a scenario where they've all spread around this nasty virus, stuff is going to get real.

After soccer practice, Greg lures Rachel into some sports closet. She takes her top off, standing all hot and sweaty in her sports bra & he tries to put it in without a condom. "Don't worry," he tells Rachel, "I'll pull out." It as this moment that Rachel surprises me by refusing the Pull-out Prince. She tells him she doesn't want to get knocked up and blissfully prances out of the sports equipment closet they were ready to smush in. Looks like he will not be getting his tip wet on this occasion.

Then one day after school, Rachel is filling out college applications for her boyfriend Greg (Rachel, I feel you, being 17 totally sucks, that is the kind of stuff I would have done in high school, but luckily my boyfriends didn't need to apply to the local Junior College) While writing his purpose in life and favorite animal essay she is simultaneously vid chatting with her BFF and perusing a site similar to Facebook with a hint of MySpace, I believe they call it "FacePage". FacePage, hell yeah. Anyway, someone posts a link on Rachel's page and you're not going to believe what it is. A police report from Jason's car accident! Apparently dude was high on heroin (busting a myth from biology class that none of the students use needles). How do we know that he wasn't just smoking the stuff? Or more ideally for the body, snorting it? Because Rachel then receives an instant message from "Concerned Citizen" with a link.

In the link is our hometown high school football hero shooting up.

Concerned Citizen: Jason had HIV, Rachel. Do you?

Butterfly7492: Is this a joke?

Concerned Citizen: Remember the "Best Friends Forever Party"?

Buh buh bum! And here we have the flashback. Young virgin Rachel effing HS Football hero. She is totally into it, so props for that Lifetime, I was expecting one of your "she's real drunk & this is rape" scenes. But no, instead it's some straight up boning complete with moans and smiles. Unfortunately, Rachel of yesteryear is not as smart as homegirl now a days, so when she asks Jason if he has 'protection' and he replies 'No, but I'll be really careful.' She allows him to blissfully hit that.

This is the brilliance of the whole thing though. Because that's how it really goes down, ladies. And all it takes is that one minute with some dude where you are-- to quote J.Lewis "a little bit drunk & lookin' for company"-- and you decide that hey, I know this guy & I want some, so go for it man. It seems these are the situations where you get yourself a baby or an STD. And watching Rachel sob over the computer monitor, you have to feel for her. You also have to wrap it before you tap it.

Sarah volunteers at the "Downtown AIDS Clinic" which looks like a cross between Planned Parenthood & the local methadone clinic. Rachel goes into take a rapid test, but freaks out and leaves the results on the counter. Sub. teacher Sarah finds the test. Enter title "Girl, Positive," and you've guessed it-- two little lines (which I guess is just not the thumbs up for pregnancy). The next day after class, she tells Rachel. So uncool, man. But we'll let it slide. Jenny Garth knows whats up. We see her at home with tons of bottles of meds, puking and throwing a fit. AZT cocktail spilled all over the floor. Looks like the two prettiest white women in the film are both HIV positive.

Mentally cue some RENT to the montage of Sarah & Rachel sobbing in their independent households:
"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care-are? Will I wake tomorrow from this night-mare-are?

To find out how the rest of the school reacts you're going to have to watch this yourself. I suggest that you do. I also suggest that you consider donating some $ to one of these organizations:

www.aidsresearch.org/donate/

www.amfar.org/

And remember readers, always be safe, always use protection & get tested regularly. Most people with STDs don't say that they have them because they do not know that they have them. So it is up to you to take care of yourself & your body. Whether it's at the Best Friends Forever Party, Prom, and especially in the Smush Room @ The Jersey Shore House.

Until next time....