Thursday, June 6, 2013

Pretty Wicked Moms: The Real Housewives of Lifetime

Emily "The Queen Bee" 
Ainsey (I don't think it's Aisnley but I just cannot understand what they are saying) "Although she does not look like me yet she will-- hopefully." Take some money from your clothing store SWANK and put it into the therapy fund

Miranda "The Southern Belle"
Ledger <---professional a="" be="" enough.="" fair="" looks="" model="" nbsp="" old="" p="" to="" under="" year="">
Nicole, who gets the best title, "Doggie Mom"
Summer (shitzu) who gets her hair straightened and gets to sit on the kitchen counter. My dog Sawyer, who is a goldendoodle, mind you does NOT get to sit on the counter. Nothing to do with his weight of 75 pounds.
Emily and Nicole are best friends. But they decide they have to invite Miranda to some kind of opening party or no maybe a clothing swap or something at SWANK because

Nicole B. (two Nicoles, give me a break) The ALPHA mom"
Nicole B. has these awesome glazed over stepmother eyes, even though she isn't a stepmother. She makes her own baby food (which is awesome). Is planning one of those insane $1 million dollar bday parties for the first birthday. You know, it's all about balance.
As she speaks, I try not to look directly into her eyes.

Marci "The Divorcee"
Has three children. She speaks very quickly. The children range in ages from 8-14. Everyone begins speaking so quickly so that all I hear at this point all I hear is "redbull vodka". She actually passes on the RBV and asks for wine.
Marci is from Miami.
 Recently divorced, now selling designer glasses and her own label of athletic wear. She also lapses into that drawn out voice "it's so gooood for youuuu, but it tastes terrrrrible..."

enter Meredith

Emily, owner of SWANK announces that she is shocked they have the same stylist but only to the cameras off screen 

Meredith "THE NEWBIE"
Mother to Addison, Meredith explains she wishes she had their hair teeth clothes 'the whole package' somehow not realizing she is more attractive than any of them. She is fresh faced and seems not yet stained by the these Pretttttyyy Wicked Momssss MWHAAHAHHAHAHA

Many fights ensue:

Summer the Shitzu attacks
Can you have sex with your child in the bed?
Do you breastfeed for two weeks or one year? (apparently no middle ground)