Thursday, September 25, 2008

today's movie schedule

Here is todays movie schedule from

If I was you I would skip Forever Love &Verdict in Blood

But highly consider recording
Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear

caution: My Best Friend's Husband is actually not that good. Way too much moral conflict and not enough immediately having sex with your best friends husband. The only reason you should record this one is if
1) you are having sex with your best friends husband 2) you want to watch it with her and then 3) you want to say "so I've been meaning to tell you something"

Thursday, September 25, 2008

10:00 am Forever Love
CC Remind Me Video Available
4.5 out of 5
4.5 of 5
12:00 pm Her Best Friend's Husband
CC Remind Me
4.5 out of 5
4.5 of 5
2:00 pm The People Next Door
CC Remind Me
4.5 out of 5
4.5 of 5
4:00 pm Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear
CC Remind Me
4.5 out of 5
4.5 of 5
6:00 pm Christie's Revenge
CC Remind Me
4.5 out of 5
4.5 of 5
8:00 pm Moment of Truth: Justice for Annie
CC Remind Me
4.5 out of 5
4.5 of 5
10:00 pm Too Young to Die?
CC Remind Me
4.5 out of 5
4.5 of 5
12:00 am Verdict in Blood
CC Remind Me
3.5 out of 5
3.5 of 5
2:00 am American Tragedy
CC Remind Me
4 out of 5
4 of 5
6:00 am Verdict in Blood
CC Remind Me
3.5 out of 5
3.5 of 5

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

wake up now OR life goes on

I never wanted to be a cheerleader. At least I have no memories of wanting to be a cheerleader. I remember after middle school orientation I did go in my room and practice dance routines but they were all to songs from that album by Aqua. I know that I didn't choreograph a song to "Barbie Girl" but the names of the other songs on the album now escape me. I have now remembered them via google:

Choreographing a dance to this song is actually as close as I ever came to wanting to be a cheerleader. After this phase I immediately started dying my hair pink and looked at that as enough. I didn't have time to be a cheerleader because I was mourning the death of Kurt Cobain, who had already been dead for years.

I was not really a teenager in the 90's, and it turns out because of this, I really lucked out. I could have ended up like Kelly Martin. You remember Kelly Martin? She was Becca Thatcher on one of the best shows ever, Life Goes On
it was years before I realized that the Life Goes On theme song was not written specifically for the show. You'll have to give me a break on this one, this was at the age of 5 or 6. But ANYWAY

Things really went downhill for Kelly Martin, not because her boyfriend was HIV positive or because her television show was canceled, but because Tori Spelling would not let her join the cheerleading squad:

husbands &haters

From Husbands Against Lifetime:

My HALT Horror Story:

One day like any other day, I was innocently working up in my office. My wife was watching a Lifetime TV movie. A typical man-hating cheese flick where the wife catches her husband pulling a Lewinski with his secretary. The woman proceeds to take her revenge and take her husband to the cleaners. Of course making all men look lower then sludge in the process. This same premise is regurgitated in many different forms on Lifetime!

After the movie was over my wife promptly came upstairs to my office and wacked me across the back of the head saying "If you ever did that to me I’d give you a Bobbit and feed it to the dog". Naturally I recoiled at the thought of that. I proclaimed my innocence and cursed the wicked evil channel that is Lifetime TV!

And thus the seeds of was born!

A few months later, again my wife decides to torture me by watching Lifetime one afternoon. This time she decided to invite a friend over to share in the pain. I make a hasty retreat to my office (I am a geek by trade after all). I come back downstairs after a bit and they are both on the couch crying. I grab something to drink and go back upstairs.

I come down stairs about 2 hours later and they are both still crying! "Man, what the hell is this movie about! You've been crying all afternoon!" I asked them.

They both replied "It's a different movie"!!

I'm waiting for the first woman to die from dehydration from watching Lifetime TV!! It's only a matter of time!!"

The first woman to die from Lifetime dehydration could very well be me.

Tori Spelling-- rebel? revolutionary?

Before we had and "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" playing on Showtime-- we had Tori Spelling starring in:

Now Co-Ed Call Girl is not a Lifetime Original Movie, it was made for CBS, but who cares? This one is definitely a classic.

Like all of us college girls, Tori finds herself strapped for cash. She meets a great group of people who own large beach houses and drive nice cars. And they tell her that all she has to do is put on the nice dresses they give her and go on out on dates with nice wealthy gentlemen. It seems she has really found her dream. This girl wont have to work at Dairy Queen over the summer.

Unfortunately, for Tori, she will have to put out. all the time. with everyone.

who knew?

When I was 13, I saw the movie Kids which convinced me that myself and almost everyone I knew would die of AIDs if we began fornicating. I was pretty sure even if I practiced safe sex, I would one day wake up on a couch with a boy singing "i'm casper the friendly ghost" and putting his HIV semen inside of me. This delayed my need to see a penis in real life for probably about 4-6 months

But these are modern times, and instead of scaring kids about the risks of HIV, lifetime has decided to move on to other STDS. Now I warn you, if you are under 18 and you are going to view these clips, they may delay your urge to see a penis in real life for 4-6 weeks.

I bring you: She's Too Young

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

She's Too Young
tells the tale of Hannah, and her best friend Emma from Degrassi. They are normal high schools crossed with the girls from the movie 13. What makes them unique is that they go on a rampage giving blowjobs (these oral experiences are basically forced on them, while fake rap songs play in the background) This leads to everyone in the school spreading around some pretty gross stuff. You honestly have to sympathize with Hannah, because she wants to make older boy Nick (Nick has a car and hair like he's on the original 90210) like her. Emma from Degrassi on the other hand, eh. Even though there is a priceless scene where she spends about forty-five minutes counting up her sexual partners. I feel ya girl, trust me I feel.

memorable quotes:

school nurse: you must be Nick

Nick: yeah?

school nurse: as you may know, you have been exposed to syphilis

Nick: okay? so give me my magic bullet &we're done here

school nurse: syphilis is a highly contagious disease, you may have infected others

Nick: You want names?

school nurse: that will be helpful

Nick: If you want my advice, you'd better stick them all....cause I probably did

Spoiler: Everyone gets syphilis, including Emma from Degrassi!!!

Youtube also provides us with fan music videos!!! be 12 again

Sunday, September 21, 2008

For the Love of Nancy Parts 3-5

When I watched For the Love of Nancy, I was but a child. I was also not allowed to have refined sugar, which probably really just gave me the opposite of anorexia also known as binge eating.
I say this because I was so terribly jealous of the meals they got. I wanted Nancy's chocolate milk- - she didn't need to bust a hole in her closet and hide it! My eight year old body would have loved to drink 2% chocolate milk.


Nancy has the opposite feelings about chocolate, so she checks herself out. "DADDY I'm 18 years old I can check myself out!"
She is so much luckier than poor Sussana Kasen, but then Susanna Kasen went way beyond Lifetime Television for women, for now at least.

DJ Tanner-- just asking for it?

Now when Zach Morris raped DJ, I did feel bad for her. No one believed her and she just wanted to drink non-alcoholic punch and go to a costume party. As you have read previously, Zach Morriss completely betrayed her trust.

But now it's 1996 and DJ is playing the role of Stacy Collins, your above average popular high school girl. There's just one thing missing in her life (enter Fred Savage)

But don't fear. DJ is not raped this time. She is just beat up over the course of 5 months by Kevin Arnold. Don't let "The Wonder Years" fool you, this kid did not turn out right.

We all know that jealousy is kind of nice at first. When a dude gets jealous over you, you almost feel like you have the upper hand, and the upper hand is a coveted position. But when a nice little "I care bout ya" jealousy turns into "I am stalking you," maybe it's time to take a step back before you get back handed. As in previous roles, DJ gets it together in the end and she presses charges. Justice is served. Let this be a lesson to you my friends, sometimes people are not who they think you are. And watching abuse can be just as bad just like cutters will tell you their cat scratched them, girls getting hit will tell you they walked into walls, or garage doors closed on them.

bonus points: guest spot Judge played by Sallie Jessy Raphael

Sadly, there is no soundtrack available for purchase to go along with this film. I suggest listening to the album Live Through This because nothing makes you feel like you're getting the shit beat out of you quite like the voice of Courtney Love

Some people like to listen to Darkside of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz, but why don't you try this instead

Here is the track list:

Listen 1. Violet

Listen 2. Miss World

Listen 3. Plump

Listen 4. Asking For It

Listen 5. Jennifer's Body

Listen 6. Doll Parts

Listen 7. Credit In The Straight World

Listen 8. Softer, Softest

Listen 9. She Walks On Me

Listen10. I Think That I Would Die

Listen11. Gutless

Listen12. Rock Star

Lifetime: The Musical

In honor of all things Lifetime, you can now purchase SOUNDTRACKS from Lifetime Original Movies

my favorite choice: "Infidelity: Music From the Original TV Movie"

Track Listings

1. Good Girl - Theresa Andersson
2. Jump To The Music - Henry Butler
3. Oh No No No - Jon Cleary
4. Latin Tinge - Irvin Mayfield
5. It's Gonna Be Okay - Theresa Andersson
6. Cuban Suite, Pt.1 - Los Hombres Calientes
7. Cuban Suite, Pt.2 - Los Hombres Calientes
8. Cuban Suite, Pt.3 - Los Hombres Calientes
9. Cheating On You - Jon Cleary
10. Casino - Henry Butler
11. Angel In The Day (Devil At Night) - Dr. Michael White
12. Ain't Misbehavin - Kermit Ruffins
13. The Affair - Irvin Mayfield
14. Comparsa N.O. - Los Hombres Calientes
15. Baby Won't You Please Come Home - Kermit Ruffins

lies my lifetime told me

1. Homeless to Harvard - The Liz Murray Story (2003)

note: Liz Murray only went to Harvard Extension school, which is basically community college

Friday, September 12, 2008

will you still have love for me?

For the Love of Nancy part 1 &2

Nancy is just your regular girl graduating high school. She's worried about going off to college, and like any normal girl, she treats this fear with a good old eating disorder. I feel you Nancy, sometimes I too would rather jog twenty miles and vomit than write a 10 page paper.
Nancy has a very supportive- could we say too controlling family? Her best bud is the rapist I mentioned earlier, Zach Morris. Zach, or Mark Paul Gosseling if you must, knows something is wrong with his little sister after she wont eat for three weeks after having her wisdom teeth removed. Why this would make anyone suspicious, I cannot say.

College plans are going full speed ahead, Nancy has swayed her way into a single dorm room. She explains to her mother that sharing is for pussies. That night at dinner, her mother informs her that she will in fact be rooming with a nice girl from Phileldehlphia. The panic sets in (cue music) and there is only with thing to do: Jog Nancy! Jog!

What does college have in store?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

the inspiration for this blog

I can thank Lifetime movies for a lot of things. Because of them I had a very scewed idea of what sex was until I actually started having it. Lifetime movies like to focus on topics such as (but not limited to) spousal abuse, rape, eating disorders, drinking problems, abusive mothers, abusive fathers, having an affair with someone elses abusive father, a boy spreading sphyllis to his whole school, pathalogical liars, and how pornography can ruin your life.

Lifetime never ruined my life, it only made me that much crazier. And I sincerely thank all of the movies from the bottom of my heart.

In the first posting of "A Lifetime Original Blog" I'd like us to remember the great love story told in She Cried No



An old correspondence:

Kelly Kapowski, you are really lucky that Zack Morris didnt rape you. Later on (lifetime original) he rapes DJ Tanner at a fraternity costume party. I'll admit, DJ did have it coming- but not anymore than Kelly Kapowski.
Is this because D.J had a naturally round face, much rounder than Kelly's? Is it because she left her family behind in San Francisco and never called her sisters Michelle and Stephanie?
D.J's roommate also gets raped, but apparently she did not "cry no".



Kelly Kapowski got hers, too. At 1:15am last night on Lifetime, our dear Kelly was raped in her mother's bed by Jace, the leader of "the crew." Well, no one believed our Kelly when she tried to rat on Jace, and the entire small community of Lockwood, Ill turned against her; writing salacious remarks about Kelly all over the school bathroom, showing up at her house to scare her, making prank calls, even cutting off her hair (although I must admit it turned out quite cute.) Thank God Brian Austen Green finally saw the light and went from head tormenter to boyfriend within the course of a commercial break.In the end, Kelly goes off to junior college, leaving her loser small-town enemies behind, and promoting a slew of middle-school girls the world over to formulate rape fantasies of their own. The end.


More to come.