Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy (Remake)

I have followed the Amanda Knox trial closely over the years. Amanda is about a year younger than I am and she studied abroad just a few years later than I did. Her prosecution in Italy always left me feeling a complete sense of panic. When she wrote her own memoir, Waiting to Be Heard, I read it in the course of one night on my iPad. I side with Amanda Knox. I believe that the murderer, Rudy Guede, was already convicted. I feel that everything else that followed under the hands of the Italian judicial system was another tragedy and provided no justice for Meredith Kercher.

On January 30th of this year Italy's supreme court turned over the verdict of the appellate court which had acquitted Knox and her one week boyfriend from their 26 and 25 year sentences (after serving 4 years in prison.) Knox would now be charged with 28 1/2 years in prison. She is appealing this decision and is at home in Seattle. This could not happen in the United States, being tried for the same case again. But the appeals process seems so complicated in Italy.

The subject of this post is not referring to the remake of a Lifetime movie, but of another Amanda Knox film now in the works. I read the book years ago and I thought it portrayed her worse than the Hayden film.

Angel Face: Sex, Murder and the Inside Story of Amanda Knox is a book by journalist Barbie Latza Nadeau now opted into a screenplay and we have Face of an Angel

the trailer:

Hopefully, Amanda will have peace in her life sometime soon.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Pretty Wicked Moms: The Real Housewives of Lifetime

Emily "The Queen Bee" 
Ainsey (I don't think it's Aisnley but I just cannot understand what they are saying) "Although she does not look like me yet she will-- hopefully." Take some money from your clothing store SWANK and put it into the therapy fund

Miranda "The Southern Belle"
Ledger <---professional a="" be="" enough.="" fair="" looks="" model="" nbsp="" old="" p="" to="" under="" year="">
Nicole, who gets the best title, "Doggie Mom"
Summer (shitzu) who gets her hair straightened and gets to sit on the kitchen counter. My dog Sawyer, who is a goldendoodle, mind you does NOT get to sit on the counter. Nothing to do with his weight of 75 pounds.
Emily and Nicole are best friends. But they decide they have to invite Miranda to some kind of opening party or no maybe a clothing swap or something at SWANK because

Nicole B. (two Nicoles, give me a break) The ALPHA mom"
Nicole B. has these awesome glazed over stepmother eyes, even though she isn't a stepmother. She makes her own baby food (which is awesome). Is planning one of those insane $1 million dollar bday parties for the first birthday. You know, it's all about balance.
As she speaks, I try not to look directly into her eyes.

Marci "The Divorcee"
Has three children. She speaks very quickly. The children range in ages from 8-14. Everyone begins speaking so quickly so that all I hear at this point all I hear is "redbull vodka". She actually passes on the RBV and asks for wine.
Marci is from Miami.
 Recently divorced, now selling designer glasses and her own label of athletic wear. She also lapses into that drawn out voice "it's so gooood for youuuu, but it tastes terrrrrible..."

enter Meredith

Emily, owner of SWANK announces that she is shocked they have the same stylist but only to the cameras off screen 

Meredith "THE NEWBIE"
Mother to Addison, Meredith explains she wishes she had their hair teeth clothes 'the whole package' somehow not realizing she is more attractive than any of them. She is fresh faced and seems not yet stained by the these Pretttttyyy Wicked Momssss MWHAAHAHHAHAHA

Many fights ensue:

Summer the Shitzu attacks
Can you have sex with your child in the bed?
Do you breastfeed for two weeks or one year? (apparently no middle ground)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Frenemies & Other Thoughts on Making Yourself Throw-Up

I asked my friend Ashley Jane Konrad from America's Flop Culture to send me a list of her top 10 Lifetime Original Movies. Ashley is the Tori Spelling to my Tiffany Amber-Thiessen.

I've included links to the cinematic treasures that I have already reviewed in case you want to get schooled twice.
It's hard to pick JUST 10 she managed to grant you with this introductory guide on the made for TV movie.


Classic Lifetime, this movie features two of the networks brightest stars: Kellie Martin and Tori Spelling. This fact alone would render the film number one on my list, but the magic doesn’t end with the cast. The plot of the movie centers around a girl desperate to become popular (Kellie Martin), who fails when she is shunned and ridiculed by Tori Spelling’s character, the cruel and snobby Stacy Lockwood. After a dismal attempt to befriend Stacy ends in further humiliation for Kellie Martin’s character, Kellie does what any self-respecting high school girl would do: she chases Stacy down and stabs her to death. Tori Spelling’s acting during her death scene is Oscar-worthy: she moans and clutches her wounds, screams “WHY?” at an apparently angry God, then gives in to her fate after about twenty minutes of theatrics. I’d like to see Natalie Portman pull off a performance like that. Bet she couldn’t do it like Tori.

Kellie manages to keep her crime under wraps for a while, but eventually her secret is revealed, and after a long and humiliating trial poor, unpopular Kellie is sentenced to jail.

This movie is based on a true story, and I’ve spent a good deal of my life researching the facts about the case. The most I’ve come up with is the original article from ROLLING STONE magazine, which told me nothing I didn’t already know (typical ROLLING STONE), but I did manage to discover that the real Kellie Martin character has been released from prison and is residing in California. I’d like to contact her, maybe discuss making a sequel to DEATH OF A CHEERLEADER. In the sequel, Stacy Lockwood could return as a ghost and haunt the hell out of Kellie Martin, making her life hell just like she did in high school. That sounds like something Lifetime would go for. If you’re reading this, real Kellie Martin character, give me a shout. There’s money to be made here.


This gem stars real-life anorexic Tracey Gold, an actress whose career I have followed through a decade of watching Lifetime. FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY really set the bar for the eating disorder genre. FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY follows the struggle of an upper-middle class family as they sue their anorexic adult daughter for guardianship as sos they can force her into a treatment center and put some meat on her bones. The underlying theme of betrayal is subtly brought to the surface in Jill Clayburgh’s brilliant portrayal of Nancy’s mother, Sally Walsh. Because I have devoted so many years to the study of this important film, I can say with some degree of certainty that Nancy’s anorexia began with her mother’s observation that Nancy should have selected the slimming black dress instead of the eye-catching red one to wear to the prom. Tracey Gold gives a nuanced performance as Nancy, no doubt due to the fact that Gold was able to draw on her first-hand experience with anorexia. In the film, Nancy is a recent high school graduate who leaves home to attend college, only to drop out and move back into her parents’ house after developing a nasty case of mother-induced anorexia, which as everyone knows is the worst kind. This action proves to be a tactical mistake for Nancy, as she is soon unable to hide her disorder from her mother and father, who eventually demand that Nancy go into treatment. Nancy is then sent to Parker Pavilion, an inpatient eating disorders clinic run by a staff of sadistic nurses who refuse to turn a blind eye to Nancy’s cunning methods of food avoidance. At the end of her skinny little rope, Nancy resorts to punching a hole in her closet wall and shoving her meals into it, which she then covers with a stack of size 0 sweatshirts. Nancy’s doctor at Parker Pavilion is of the long-haired “guru” variety, who proceeds to remind us over and over again that anorexia is not about food, it’s about control. A revolutionary observation if there ever was one. Obviously Nancy’s anorexia is a result of the loss of control she experienced when she transitioned from living at home to life on a college campus. When Nancy doesn’t gain any weight, the doctor orders a feeding tube to be inserted, causing Nancy to pack on a portly six pounds. Fed up with the bullshit going on inside Parker Pavilion, Nancy phones her parents and demands they bring her home, which they do. Eventually Nancy loses the pesky six pounds she gained from the feeding tube and that’s when mom and dad step up their game and ask her to resume treatment, but they underestimate their daughter’s legal savvy. It’ll take a better war than that to kill a college girl like Nancy Walsh. You can count on that. As she is over the age of 18, her parents have no legal right to force her back into treatment and weight gain. As a last resort, the parents decide to take Nancy to court to be declared insane and allow them to take power over their daughter’s medical decisions. Nancy is determined to fight for her right to look like a holocaust victim up until the very morning of her hearing, when Nancy has a revelation while driving with her parents to the courthouse. Nancy is so inspired by the people she sees from the backseat window that she surrenders to her parents’ demands before they ever arrive at the courthouse. At least that’s what the movie will have you believe is the motive behind Nancy’s surrender. I think she complied because she knew that her parents would probably win power of attorney and then not only would she be fat she would also be legally considered a lunatic. This way, she will at least have her dignity. Or maybe not, because she’ll be a fatty-fat-fat after she gets out of treatment, and we all know how society treats the likes of them.


This movie is just stupid, which is why I love it. Mia Farrow (real-life mother of Frank Sinatra, JR.), plays a single mom to daughter Zoey, who is apparently perfect save for the fact that she’s a little chunky. That’s another thing about Lifetime: they employ chunky actresses. I admire those kinds of filmmaking risks. Anyway, so Zoey is great and a straight A student and on the swim team and everything is awesome until she starts dabbling in the dark arts. And by the dark arts I mean drugs. She smokes a little weed, drinks a little beer, and then makes the mistake of stealing some of her mother’s muscle relaxers. Big mistake. Mia Farrow goes apeshit and tightens the reins on Zoey, hoping that this will prevent any further drug use. Much like Miley Cyrus, however, Zoey can’t be tamed, and her drug use escalates to the point where she actually starts ingesting controlled substances and not just over-the counter No Doze shit. She OD’s one night and then is sent to rehab, where after a bit of initial resistance, Zoey is cured and returned to the world a shining example of American youth.

This is bullshit for so many reasons. For starters, no mother would react to finding her pills in her daughter’s backpack the way Mia Farrow did. Like I said, those muscle relaxers aren’t even a controlled substance. If I were a mother and my daughter pulled that shit with me, I’d be angry, yes, because now what the hell am I supposed to get fucked up on? I’d ground my daughter for being selfish and not thinking of others. Instead of rehab, I’d send the little thief to sensitivity training. Then she’d think twice about taking drugs that aren’t hers.


Tiffani Amber Thiessen (now just Tiffani Thiessen) gets raped by a cool football player just as she is welcomed into the popular crowd at her high school. Talk about shitty timing. What’s even shittier is that no one believes that Tiffani was really raped; they just assume she’s a slut. And they tell her as much, spray painting it all over the school and torturing her every chance they get. The jocks are out to teach her a lesson, and that lesson is keep your fat mouth shut if you get raped. But as the title suggests, Tiffani is a fighter. But she isn’t alone for long. A big-time lawyer blows into Tiffani’s small town and starts making waves: suing the school for failing to protect a student from sexual harassment. All the while this is going on, Tiffani is carrying on a secret relationship with Brian Austin Green, the only popular jock who believes Tiffani’s rape claim. The relationship is doomed from the start, though, because Tiffani wins the suit against the school and heads off to community college, probably to major in something like ceramics. Brian Austin Green was left behind in the small backassward town, where he would become the second incantation of Al Bundy, reliving his days of football glory while working at a shoe store.

As a side note, there was another Lifetime movie along these same lines, except in this particular movie the girl really was a slut. Excuse me, she was “promiscuous.” So of course no one believed her about the rape; they just thought she was doing what she always did, which was screw. The lesson learned from this movie is that if you’re going to be raped, don’t be a slut.


Another genius portrayal by acclaimed Tori Spelling. In this film, Spelling plays a college freshman with a controlling mother. See, Tori is a recovering anorexic. When she tries out for the track team she doesn’t make it because her mother called the coach and spilled the beans about Tori’s eating disorder. What a meddling bitch. If my mom did something like that I’d call up my stepdad and tell him her real age. Lucky for her I don’t participate in athletics, unless you count competitive eating as a sport. I do.

Anyway, so Tori meets this guy who seems perfect; nice and charming and studying to be a doctor. Or so he tells Tori and her mom. Turns out the guy is a controlling sociopath who has killed before and would not hesitate to do so again. Little by little, Tori’s mom’s meddling starts to pay off as she uncovers the truth about her daughter’s lover. But by this time, Tori is fed up with her mom’s bullshit so she doesn’t heed her warnings and moves in with the guy to a remote cabin in the wilderness - the kind of place where no one can hear you scream except for your neighbor Ted Bundy.

So here’s our heroine, stuck in seclusion with a psychopath, and he starts to get scary. Pushing Tori around and telling her she can’t leave and she belongs to him and what not. This is when Tori realizes that her trifling mother may have been right about this psycho all along. I don’t know what’s worse for poor Tori: the fact that she is probably going to be murdered by this lunatic, or the realization that her mother knew best. For me, it would be a toss up.

The last part of the film is a very dramatic climax that involves Tori attempting to flee her attacker (good thing she’s a track star) while the desperate psycho tries to catch her as so he can have his way with her and then dispose of the body as he sees fit. Fortunately, Tori’s mother - who apparently has gained a sixth sense about Tori from having micromanaged her daughter all her life - shows up in the nick of time to save the day. I can’t remember if the madman is killed or not, but it doesn’t really matter either way. The important thing is that Tori learned a valuable lesson: next time she meets a nice, successful man, she won’t become involved with him until she first asks the question “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?”


Me too! I jest, I jest. I don’t think I can even get pregnant, what with the crack and the herpes and the competitive eating. But this woman - a dowdy middle-aged housewife married to an insensitive construction worker - actually does wake up pregnant after a visit to her dentist. Curiously enough, the dentist put the woman under sedation for what was essentially a cleaning. I wish I got that kind of VIP treatment at my dentist, but NOOOO.

Anyway, the woman wakes up pregnant, and it’s obviously not her husband’s baby because they’ve been having problems and their sex life is nonexistent. To add insult to injury, they already have a bunch of grubby little kids and they can’t afford to have any more. This I admire. Sometimes people who are too poor to have even one child end up having like 20, and then guess who gets to pay for the diapers and formula? My father, that’s who. Ask him; he’ll tell you all about it.

After a bit of amateur sleuthing, the woman has reason to believe that the dentist raped her while she was under sedation. I wish I could be that lucky. If that shit happened to me I’d sue for millions and move to Manhattan, where I’d live on the Upper East Side and wear Carolina Herrera and open an art gallery specializing in Damien Hirst installations. These types of things never happen to the right people, the people who would do something productive with the settlement money, and that pisses me off. But I digress.

Eventually the police become involved, even though everyone is skeptical of the woman’s claims (here we see echoes of SHE FOUGHT ALONE), and an elaborate sting operation is conducted. With the police at the ready, a decoy patient is put under general anesthesia and right as the dentist is about to start his raping shtick, the cops bust in and arrest him. For some reason, the woman who woke up pregnant is in on the sting operation, and it is she who comforts the female decoy after the decoy was almost raped. It was a very touching ending, made even more so by the fact that the woman decided to have the baby and give it up for adoption instead of having an abortion. She says something along the lines of “If we can make one couple happy parents, then some good has come out of all this.” Sweet, but not the smartest way to handle things. Being that the baby in question is white and the spawn of a dentist, the child could collect upwards of a hundred grand on the black market. Possibly even more if the eyes are blue. Again, noble intentions reiterated by Lifetime, but noble intentions don’t get you Carolina Herrera and Damien Hirst.


This cinematic masterpiece centers around a workaholic mother and her lonely teenage daughter, who turns to sex for comfort and ends up getting an STD in the process. All of this could have been avoided if the mother in question had either paid attention to her daughter or given her one of those fake babies to carry around all the time so the girl could learn the consequences of sex. I’m not going to spend too much time discussing this film, even though it was brilliant and nuanced, because it ends predictably with the STD being treated and mother making peace with her slutty daughter. Instead, I’m going to display a comment from a message board regarding the impact of the film on one young girl’s life. I feel this speaks for itself:

i luv she's 2 young dat movie actually taught me sumthin....n dats very totally waitin till im married 2 hav sex im not sure dat i even want 2 kiss a boy...b/c they could b like nick frm she's too young n sleep wit every gurl n not even tell dem dat he has a std.


Now, I know there are those of you out there who will say that this is a made-up post, that no one could possibly be that stupid, but allow me to remind you that this is from a Lifetime message board, where people really are that stupid. As proof, I’ve included the link so that you can check out this absurdity for yourself:

Told you so. Don’t ever question me again.


I could really relate to this film. Basically a rip-off of the movie THIRTEEN, AUGUSTA, GONE is about a teenage girl who starts going wild after her parents’ divorce. Encouraged by a new friend (a bad-influence), she starts smoking cigarettes, and then progresses to hard drugs. Her mother, brilliantly portrayed by Sharon Lawrence, tries in vain to help her daughter kick the habit, but young Augusta is incorrigible and refuses to give up her freebasing ways. At the end of her pitiful rope, Sharon Lawrence decides to send Augusta to one of those Outward Bound rehab programs where drug-addicted teenagers survive in the wilderness for awhile and pray for survival. Some of them die in the process, as it has been documented on 20/20 and other news magazine programs of this ilk.

Augusta manages to survive the program, and all she wants is to come home and start again as a drug-free teenager, but for some unknown reason Sharon Lawrence won’t allow it. I don’t get that part. What is Sharon thinking? “Yes, you’re clean now, but you still have to live for awhile on the streets to test yourself as to whether or not you’ll fall back into using meth.” Makes no damn sense. Bad parenting if there ever was bad parenting. Anyway, Augusta has other plans. She manages to get together enough change to take a bus back home, where she is welcomed like the prodigal daughter. Like I said, this makes no damn sense. Either way, Augusta has ammunition now: she can always bring up the fact the her mother left her on the streets instead of allowing her to return home where she’d be safe. Like her mom will say “Augusta, you need to pull up your grades” and then Augusta can come back with “Remember that time you let me wander the streets alone and penniless? Well, I got raped a bunch of times and had to turn tricks for food. And you want me to pull up my grades? You can go right to hell, mom!” That would make for a great sequel. I’d enjoy watching Sharon Lawrence struggle with remorse and regret; it would be a powerful and moving performance, I can promise you that.


I just love movies about eating disorders, particularly when the eating disorder stems from some kind of passion, like ballet or, in this case, gymnastics. PERFECT BODY stars Amy Jo Johnson of FELICITY fame as a promising young gymnast who develops an eating disorder under the tutelage of her sadistic new coach. Wendie Malick plays the mother, who is torn between wanting her daughter to pursue her dream of being an Olympic gymnast and wanting her daughter to eat like a normal person. You can’t have it both ways, Wendie Malick. As Andie’s (Amy Jo Johnson) coach is wont to remind his athletes, “another five pounds is another foot off the ground.” Andie is taught by her competitive and bitchy teammate how to use bulimia to her advantage, a development I find contrary to the plot. If the bitch was really that concerned with getting ahead, then why in the hell would they volunteer their secrets of success? You better believe Paris Hilton isn’t telling Nicole Richie which laxative works fastest. Frienemies don’t interact that way.
I especially love the soundtrack to PERFECT BODY. During an elaborate montage of Andie binge eating, exercising obsessively, throwing away plates full of food, and emerging misty-eyed from various restrooms, a song plays in the background, the lyrics of which are something along the lines of “if it doesn’t stop I’ll go insane!” as the cymbals clash and swell. I’ve searched long and hard and have yet to find the name or artist of that song. But I will never stop looking for answers. You, Gentle Reader, can trust in that.
When Andie returns home for a visit, she finds her best friend locked in a passionate embrace with her boyfriend. Andie and the boyfriend break up because Andie’s anorexic and oh yeah HE’S A CHEATER, a fact which Andie should have reminded him about during his uninspired break-up monologue. Another contrary plot development. That would have come up first and foremost. Then Andie meets up with the friend in the playground, where Andie and the friend have a heart-to-heart about Andie’s anorexia. Andie agrees that she needs help. But instead of getting help, Andie returns to the gym to train for some big meet. At the meet, she falls and injures herself – presumably this is somehow related to anorexia - and wakes up in the hospital wearing a neck brace. The brace comes off and Andie returns to the evil coach much to the chagrin of Wendie Malick, who demands that Andie quit with the coach and move back home. While observing her teammates being called fat, Andie decides to turn on her heels and flee.
After the commercial break, Andie is back home and eating a potato with her ex-boyfriend, to whom she confides that she’s in treatment for her eating disorder. The last scene is Andie in a gym after hours, practicing gymnastics purely for her own enjoyment. It is in this moment that the film’s wonderful soundtrack kicks in again, this time with an exquisite selection from the oeuvre of Peter Gabriel. I suppose this scene is meant to inform the viewer that Andie did eventually make her return to gymnastics, but I feel a more satisfying conclusion to this film would be Andie chillaxing with a giant bowl of popcorn, watching the competitive and bitchy girl on television as she messes up her floor routine at the Olympic games. Or better still, the competitive and bitchy girl gets fat and breaks the uneven bars and they have to cancel the Olympics because of it, so not only does all the world hate her, Shawn Johnson is going to kill her because this was supposed to be Shawn’s year for gold and now she won’t even take home a bronze. Far-fetched, you say? Mayhap, but Shawn strikes me as the type of girl who would kill a bitch for less.


So this sixteen year old kid who looks like a poor man’s Jesse Eisenberg is another one of Lifetime’s perfect children: he makes straight A’s is on the swim team, has a nice girlfriend he never touches, etc. But then one fateful day, the kid stumbles upon an internet porn site and becomes completely addicted to trolling the internet looking for pictures of naked women. His mother (played by Kelly Lynch) is a lot like Tori Spelling’s mom in MOTHER MAY I SLEEP WITH DANGER. She monitors her son’s internet activity like a McCarthy era spy, and it isn’t long before she becomes aware of her son’s little habit.

Now, I’m sure we can all agree that this is ludicrous. Why is this even a movie? What sixteen year old boy doesn’t look at internet porn all day long? I certainly can’t think of one. I remember when my brother was sixteen he kept his bedroom door locked for hours at a time, venturing out only when he was sweaty and exhausted to grab a Gatorade. Then he bought a mini fridge at Target to keep in his room, and we didn’t see him for like a year. I was pretty much an only child during that period.

If you ask me, this Kelly Lynch is the one with the problem, not her sex-crazed teenage son. Why is she going through his computer looking for evidence of her son’s self-abuse? That smacks of Oedipal shit right there. And as a side note, why do people think Kelly Lynch is attractive? She’s not. She’s a poor man’s Robin Wright (nee Penn), and that’s being complimentary.

The best part of this movie is when pseudo Jesse Eisenberg becomes obsessed with the school slut, a entrepreneurial girl named Monica who runs her own sex site on which she strips naked for all the boys in her high school to enjoy. Pseudo Jesse forms a bond with Monica, and Monica propositions him for sex. Pseudo Jesse refuses at the last minute - after all, this is a real girl and not an image on a computer screen - and Monica is humiliated and pissed off. So she does what any self-respecting girl would do when faced with this kind of rejection. She beats herself up and blames her bruises on pseudo Jesse.

Monica’s legions of male fans catch wind of her claims and proceed to beat Pseudo Jesse to a bloody pulp. Despondent and desperate, Pseudo Jesse retreats to the pool, the place of his former glory as a swim star, presumably to drown himself. But then Pseudo Jesse pictures his prying mother and family and all the things he has to live for, so he surfaces and saves himself. The viewer is left with the sense that Pseudo Jesse goes on to confront his porn “addiction” and get back on track with his life. And thank God for that, because otherwise he wouldn’t have invented Facebook. And then how would we all spend our days? YouPorn?

To read more from Ashley Jane Konrad check out her blog here.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Accidental Husband

This movie interested me because Denny from Grey's Anatomy is in it. Jeffrey Dean Morgan always looks sooo handsome and slightly terminally ill. I mean, dude gets cast as a dead guy multiple times. Izzie cuts the valves & ruins the show (but man that was an amazing dress). He was the dead patriarch on Supernatural which I am surprised I never got into AND He also is the deceased Judah Botwin on Weeds. It really makes me wonder if Nancy & her "boo-hoo I won't sleep with my hot, hilarious brother-in-law but I can consistently sip iced coffee & wear these short shorts after being a mother of three" ass ever deserved him. Probably not, Nancy. You ruined everything after you decided not to pursue Conrad and live happily ever after. But back to Denny--Jeffrey Dean Morgan-- he has those dreamy "I'll play baseball with our children" eyes. Swoon.

In this movie The Accidental Husband he lives in Astoria and sports an exaggerated Bronxish/Brooklinish/Queensish accent & is employed as a NYC city fireman. I must note he is way better at being a fireman than friggin' Dean Cain. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is not going to run around in a cape (not even in The Watchmen) and he would never pursue Denise Richards (Sorry, Denise, you're so pretty!)

So we're in New York City, and the film is actually shot in NYC props props. There are little flower stand bodegas & bars full of really attractive man having drinks together. A note on the latter: the inaccuracy of this bar is that it is not Splash, The Metropolitan, The Monster or The Eagle or any other gay bar du juor it is just a sports bar with no women in except Uma Thurman. Yeah, she is in this movie too.

(Is this even a real lifetime original? It seems too high budget. Okay, I just googled it apparently they released this one in theaters. The sets were a give away. Lifetime doesn't shoot on location, they shoot in Canada. Regardless, this is Made for TV material.)

Uma Thurman is a radio host, Dr. Emma Lloyd. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie Dr.Lloyd (Thurman) gives some advice to a bride to be. Telling said bride to break-up with her fiance. She listens to the advice. Guess who the fiance is? Alright, I already gave it away. It's Denny errr Patrick Sullivan. Patrick is rightfully pissed at the C U Next Tuesday Dr.Lloyd so out of spite he has his whiz kid neighbor hack into the public records and instead of giving the good lady a D.U.I or registering her as a sex offender he has whiz kid change the public record to say that he Patrick Sullivan and the marriage-wrecker-advice-giver Dr.Lloyd are married! Dun da dun.

I should start doing this. Sorry asshole, we're married! Surprise!!!!

Uma could have gone forever without finding out, but she is supposed to marry Colin Firth. I am not even going to bother learning his movie name. Anyway she can't marry Colin Firth because she's already married to Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Now this is how we got to the sports bar full of hot straight men earlier. Uma tracks down "Patrick Sullivan of ASTORIA, NEW YORK) which is in Queens btw. She then precedes to do a bunch of shots, remove the top of her suit jacket and recite the names of the presidents. She gets so sloppy wasted while trying to serve him divorce papers that she passes out. Patrick Sullivan being the ideal bro flings Thurman over his shoulder & puts her to bed for the night. You have to appreciate a man carrying a woman cave man style. This only has happened to me once and I am pretty sure it was after I spent the evening projectile vomiting. Whoops.

Here is the part where they always lose me and make me feel like I go about all of my relationships the wrong way.

The day after Emma Lloyd passes out in firefighters bed she wakes up freaks out runs around frantic in her walk of shame clothes. She tracks firefighter Patrick down and tells him how urgent it is that they go get this divorce settled etc etc But Emma has to also plan her wedding today. Today right now! All the appointments. Since you can't take 2 separate cabs & meet at the courthouse around 2 PM Patrick goes with Dr.Lloyd to taste wedding cakes! Just the two of them, a day around New York, both of them with fiances.

Let's talk about wedding cake. Do you know how often I crave wedding cake? Very frequently. I understand that wedding cake doesnt mean "white cake" or "devil's food cake" that it can be any kind of cake, but it always tastes better at weddings. At weddings you are so blitzed from the open bar that the wedding cake has no calories & who cares if Cousin Joey is feeling you up on the dance floor- as long as he's not your cousin- and there is an ample supply of dirty Shirley's & buttercream frosting. Wedding Cake, let's do this.

This movie can now go two ways.

1) Patrick Sullivan and Emma Lloyd get divorced. Sullivan goes back with the fiance that Dr.Lloyd advised to leave him & Dr.Lloyd marries annoying Colin Firth.


2) Running all these errands together Patrick & Emma find so much appeal in the new stranger next to them because they are bored out of their minds after boning the same person for years and somehow think this will be different. It will be different because Colin Firth is so annoying. They could stay together and the uptight Upper East Sider could forever love the firefighter from Queens despite their quirky differences.

If this was a proper made for TV movie neither of those scenarios would take place and Patrick Sullivan's original fiance would stalk & murder Dr.Lloyd who ruined her life and married her man. Colin Firth could also end up turning into a zombie, infecting Jeffrey Dean Morgan who bites Uma Thurman thereby letting us now how shit got started before episode 1 of The Walking Dead.

Don't watch this one. Just imagine the last scenario a few times. Ahhhhhh!!!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

I Do (But I Don't)

"Do you want some pie?"
"Ya know, I do...but I don't"

Just kidding, guys. Unfortunately, I don't think there have been any made for TV movies about binge eating. Please correct me if I am wrong so I can watch too! Anyway, I just turned on this little gem starring Dean Cain & Denise Richards because they are taking too many damn sidebars during the Casey Anthony trial. Like I really have a whole day to spend watching some bug expert.
So, I turned this on about 10 minutes in. Oprah isn't on either because of some sport. I don't remember which.

Anyway, Denise Richards is so pretty. I always forget. There is something freakishly symmetrical about her face. Take a look at her face in case you forgot. So, Denise Richards meets the man of her dreams! She is divorcing a douche bag that was getting some pootang on the side and it must really suck to get a divorce when like Denise, you are a wedding planner. So the man of her dreams? Hunky firefighter that kind of looks like Superman. Don't we all want to marry Superman? I guess not, but Dean Cain doesn't age and I guess that's charming.

It turns out that Denise is planning Dean's wedding. I don't know their movie names, it's one of those experiences where there is not enough to help you pretend.

Dean is marrying a bitchy blond and the movie isn't over yet but my money is Dean leaves the blond fiance BUT only after he catches her having an affair or something like that. Even though the pig is totally already having an emotional affair with Denise Richards. They are totally chasing a dog named Snicker's around a wedding.

The music is cute though! You're so pretty, Denise.

Everyone has AIDS (Especially pretty Lifetime blonds)

I hate a Lifetime Movie that makes me want to take an STD test on a daily basis. After watching She's Too Young I was pretty sure my cervix was a tumor. HIV is a whole other matter. It's not funny, and RENT has gone off Broadway. Regardless, this was one of the best Lifetime Originals I've viewed in a long while. This is stuff that really happens. Seeing the way it's portrayed can be over the top or exaggerated, but this is one of the times where a point needs to be made. I know so many people in their 20's who think that they could never catch an STD, let alone HIV & teenagers are even worse when it comes to thinking about consequences.

Girl, Positive stars little Julie from Desperate Housewives (Andrea Bowen) as Rachel, a 17 year old high school. Rachel is an upper middle class senior with a fairly attractive & cocky boyfriend named Greg, a starring place on the soccer team & a single mom who dresses like a ho because she's trying to hit the dating scene again at the fresh faced age of five-two. When the movie opens the school is grieving the lost of their old football hero, Jason. After graduating Jason dies in a tragic car accident. You can see banners of the kid hanging all over the school & a lot of students are quite torn up.

Enter Jenny Garth, as adorable substitute teacher Sarah. She bikes to school with ear buds in! Aweee. Anyway, the assistant principle is real into her but Sarah is super dismissive of male attention, one of those attractive size 2 beauties that looks shocked when a dude wants to ride the pony. Maybe Substitute Teacher Sarah has a deep dark secret or maybe she knows that this dude will go on to play Scott Peterson in his next flick. I mean, how can you trust someone that plays Scott Peterson? Totally not taking a ride out on your boat, buddy.

Sarah is a good sub. She makes ya think. She talks about medical breakthroughs. And when AIDs is brought up she is pretty surprised to hear how the kids in Biology class think they could not get HIV. She does one of those "When you sleep with someone you are sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with" things. Bobby in the corner says kids around here don't use needles; Tracy in the front row says all her partners have been clean. Sarah looks ready to flip her shit & makes the class stand up to explain how easily HIV can be spread. The viewer at this point knows that shit is going no place good. When you have the whole senior class standing up in a scenario where they've all spread around this nasty virus, stuff is going to get real.

After soccer practice, Greg lures Rachel into some sports closet. She takes her top off, standing all hot and sweaty in her sports bra & he tries to put it in without a condom. "Don't worry," he tells Rachel, "I'll pull out." It as this moment that Rachel surprises me by refusing the Pull-out Prince. She tells him she doesn't want to get knocked up and blissfully prances out of the sports equipment closet they were ready to smush in. Looks like he will not be getting his tip wet on this occasion.

Then one day after school, Rachel is filling out college applications for her boyfriend Greg (Rachel, I feel you, being 17 totally sucks, that is the kind of stuff I would have done in high school, but luckily my boyfriends didn't need to apply to the local Junior College) While writing his purpose in life and favorite animal essay she is simultaneously vid chatting with her BFF and perusing a site similar to Facebook with a hint of MySpace, I believe they call it "FacePage". FacePage, hell yeah. Anyway, someone posts a link on Rachel's page and you're not going to believe what it is. A police report from Jason's car accident! Apparently dude was high on heroin (busting a myth from biology class that none of the students use needles). How do we know that he wasn't just smoking the stuff? Or more ideally for the body, snorting it? Because Rachel then receives an instant message from "Concerned Citizen" with a link.

In the link is our hometown high school football hero shooting up.

Concerned Citizen: Jason had HIV, Rachel. Do you?

Butterfly7492: Is this a joke?

Concerned Citizen: Remember the "Best Friends Forever Party"?

Buh buh bum! And here we have the flashback. Young virgin Rachel effing HS Football hero. She is totally into it, so props for that Lifetime, I was expecting one of your "she's real drunk & this is rape" scenes. But no, instead it's some straight up boning complete with moans and smiles. Unfortunately, Rachel of yesteryear is not as smart as homegirl now a days, so when she asks Jason if he has 'protection' and he replies 'No, but I'll be really careful.' She allows him to blissfully hit that.

This is the brilliance of the whole thing though. Because that's how it really goes down, ladies. And all it takes is that one minute with some dude where you are-- to quote J.Lewis "a little bit drunk & lookin' for company"-- and you decide that hey, I know this guy & I want some, so go for it man. It seems these are the situations where you get yourself a baby or an STD. And watching Rachel sob over the computer monitor, you have to feel for her. You also have to wrap it before you tap it.

Sarah volunteers at the "Downtown AIDS Clinic" which looks like a cross between Planned Parenthood & the local methadone clinic. Rachel goes into take a rapid test, but freaks out and leaves the results on the counter. Sub. teacher Sarah finds the test. Enter title "Girl, Positive," and you've guessed it-- two little lines (which I guess is just not the thumbs up for pregnancy). The next day after class, she tells Rachel. So uncool, man. But we'll let it slide. Jenny Garth knows whats up. We see her at home with tons of bottles of meds, puking and throwing a fit. AZT cocktail spilled all over the floor. Looks like the two prettiest white women in the film are both HIV positive.

Mentally cue some RENT to the montage of Sarah & Rachel sobbing in their independent households:
"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care-are? Will I wake tomorrow from this night-mare-are?

To find out how the rest of the school reacts you're going to have to watch this yourself. I suggest that you do. I also suggest that you consider donating some $ to one of these organizations:

And remember readers, always be safe, always use protection & get tested regularly. Most people with STDs don't say that they have them because they do not know that they have them. So it is up to you to take care of yourself & your body. Whether it's at the Best Friends Forever Party, Prom, and especially in the Smush Room @ The Jersey Shore House.

Until next time....

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Tori Spelling-- rebel? revolutionary?

Before we had and "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" playing on Showtime-- we had Tori Spelling starring in:

Now Co-Ed Call Girl is not a Lifetime Original Movie, it was made for CBS, but who cares? This one is definitely a classic.

Like all of us college girls, Tori finds herself strapped for cash. She meets a great group of people who own large beach houses and drive nice cars. And they tell her that all she has to do is put on the nice dresses they give her and go on out on dates with nice wealthy gentlemen. It seems she has really found her dream. This girl wont have to work at Dairy Queen over the summer.

Unfortunately, for Tori, she will have to put out. all the time. with everyone.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

oh Tori

I just ordered this

Happy Birthday to me

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I can thank Lifetime movies for a lot of things. Because of them I had a very distorted idea of what sex was until I actually started having it. Lifetime movies like to focus on topics such as (but not limited to) spousal abuse, rape, eating disorders, drinking problems, abusive mothers, abusive fathers, having an affair with someone else's abusive father, a boy spreading sphyllis to his whole school, pathological liars, and how pornography can ruin your life.

Lifetime never ruined my life, it only made me that much crazier. And I sincerely thank all of the movies from the bottom of my heart.

In this posting of "A Lifetime Original Blog" I'd like us to remember the great love story told in She Cried No



An old correspondence:

Kelly Kapowski, you are really lucky that Zack Morris didnt rape you. Later on (lifetime original) he rapes DJ Tanner at a fraternity costume party. I'll admit, DJ did have it coming- but not anymore than Kelly Kapowski.
Is this because D.J had a naturally round face, much rounder than Kelly's? Is it because she left her family behind in San Francisco and never called her sisters Michelle and Stephanie?
D.J's roommate also gets raped, but apparently she did not "cry no".



Kelly Kapowski got hers, too. At 1:15am last night on Lifetime, our dear Kelly was raped in her mother's bed by Jace, the leader of "the crew." Well, no one believed our Kelly when she tried to rat on Jace, and the entire small community of Lockwood, Ill turned against her; writing salacious remarks about Kelly all over the school bathroom, showing up at her house to scare her, making prank calls, even cutting off her hair (although I must admit it turned out quite cute.) Thank God Brian Austen Green finally saw the light and went from head tormenter to boyfriend within the course of a commercial break.In the end, Kelly goes off to junior college, leaving her loser small-town enemies behind, and promoting a slew of middle-school girls the world over to formulate rape fantasies of their own. The end.


Sex, Lies &Obsession

"Based on a true story. A happily married mother (Lisa Rinna) seems to have the perfect life. Her world is shattered when she discovers that her husband (Harry Hamlin) is a sex addict."

That little caption is from my mind is BLOWN. I am currently reading the comments and everyone is saying things like "this is the best lifetime movie EVER" and asking when it will air again??

Okay, listen ladies, it will air again at my house whenever (I recorded it on DVR) and you can come over and watch it. During this time I will tell it to you like it is.

This is a cautionary tale not a fairy tale!!!

This is a Lifetime title with promise. In the early 90's, this title alone could have pushed the movie forth to be with other Lifetime classics (i.e Mother May I sleep With Danger?) but alas, it is 2009 and Sex, Lies &Obsession, which originally aired in 2001 is making it's second round.

SLO chronicles the life of a loving husband and father of two, Cameron. There is just one thing you see, a small catch. Cameron cannot keep it in his pants.

During the first thirty minutes we see him:

1)wake up in the bed one of his missstressses
2)look at porn
3)while Cameron is waiting at the airport to go on a "business trip" to see a Lady Friend in Pittsburgh, he catches the attention of a flight attendant (then they do it)
4) arriving at his hotel he figures he should kill some time before banging his Lady Friend so he asks the concierge "I have never been to Pittsburgh-- what are the areas of town I should arrive?"
as the man behind the counter tells him the streets to avoid, Cameron scribbles them down on hotel stationary and is out the rotating gold doors, hopping in a cab and giving the address
5)upon arriving in the bad part of town we see a lot of trash cans on fire and then a decrepit building with a flashing sign "MASSAGE" Cameron enters for some rub &tug

He returns with a gift for his beautiful wife, who has just found out she has been awarded "Teacher of the Year" lately Lisa has become a little suspicious of Cameron. Why all of these business trips? Where is he going?

Well, Joanna, today is Judgment Day

Cameron forgets his brief case, so Joanna drives to the hospital to deliver it to him like the doting wife she is.

BUT when she pulls up to the hospital....Cameron is driving away. How could this be when he had a surgery scheduled? Joanna follows him figuring he is probably going to Subway for a tasty foot long. To her shock and horror he pulls into a shady apartment complex and begins to make out with a blond woman.

Horrified, she goes home and waits. When Cameron finally returns Joanna makes a very un-lifetime move and kicks Cameron out of the house!!!!!!

Will he ever be let back in?

I'll let you know in Part 2

Okay....Part 2

the answer is: yes

What does cameron do when he gets home???

Has phone sex.

What does Cameron do when his son walks in??

makes him promise not to tell

When does Cameron finally get caught?

Well, a lot happens. Cameron drives to "the bad part" of town to pick up a prostitute. She is approximately sixteen years old &normally only sells The Dope but today she will make an exception. She leads Dr.Cameron down into a basement, he begins to unzip his pants, she is standing next to a table shaking &says "hold on a minute, I need to do something real quick." After she smoked crack, they "make love" and he hands her twenty-dollars. Twenty dollars, now that is a steal my friends.
He also gets beat up by her pimp &tells loving wife Joanna that the bruises are from the boxing gym.

But not soon after this is Cameron cruising the streets lookin' for some hookin' when he is arrested by an undercover cop posed as a lady of the night.
Who does he call to get him out? Joanna.

When she arrives at the station, the women behind the desk tells her he is in for SOLICITATION OF A PROSTITUTE dun da dun dun da dun dun da dun!!!!

Joanna is told "that's what all of these women are here for" she then sits down with a group of wives who are joking around about their silly husbands getting busted again. "I just hope they don't run their names in the paper tomorrow," one exclaims, as if her football team lost and she doesn't want anyone to know.

When Joanna is ushered back Cameron informs her that he didn't do anything wrong and asks for a ride home. Joanna (unlike Lifetime) does not forgive him and instead leaves us with this brilliant quote:

"you don't have a least not with me you don't"

Ohhhh....burn...what will you do Cameron?

Well now shit gets crazy so let me just summarize. Joanna finds out that the apartment she drove to when she discovered the affair was in fact not the blond haired woman's but Cameron's own place! It is stocked with porn and playboy and plenty of condoms (aw, keepin it safe) sadly there is no sex swing. It seems that this is where Cameron brings back his lady friends (aka hookers). Joanna, cotarded, lies on the bed until Cameron walks in. Porn is playing in the background, and in a sense he seems sincerely sorry.

This is when Joanna disappoints me. She 1)does not kill him and 2) agrees to help him through couples counsling

While waiting to get an AIDs test a young girl in the waiting room tells Joanna she thinks her boyfriend is a "sex addict" Joanna who has apparently never heard the term stops and pauses "sex addict?" Could Cameron needing to get his tip wet at all times really just be an imbalance of the brain?

She decides "of course"

During couples counsling Cameron acts like a five year old and refuses to answer questions, leaving in his car and pouting. Cameron wont talk about his father and I was realllly hoping there'd be some great traumatic story but when the truth is revealed three sessions later all we learn is that Cameron's father too had affairs!

Now it all comes full circle, Joanna pities him and he agrees to take polygraph tests, admitting that he has had hundreds of lovers over the years but still loved her the most!!!

Joanna, you were always first wife. They live happily ever after

SO even if this is a true story like it claims to be this does not mean this is what anyone should do!! The trauma this causes their children and the example this sets about cheating be okay as long as we slap the term "sex addiction" on it seems complete insane to me.

Lifetime, you blew my mind. How is this possible? It was you Lifetime Television for Women that taught me not to blink an eye, to know a rapist when I saw him (every man I've ever met), to look for the money under the mattress, to find the poetry in throwing up) ohhhh LIfetime!! How could you???

from MarriageRestored.Com

Sex, Lies, & Obsession

I watched Sex, Lies, & Obsession last night. It starred Harry Hamlin & Lisa Rinna who are husband and wife in real life. They portrayed their characters well though Lisa's bad collagen job on her lips (not trying to be mean here. I am sure she is a good and lovely woman. I just don't see where she needed the bigger upper lip) was somewhat distracting.

The movie accurately portrays the life of a sex addict. Harry Hamlin plays Dr. Cameron Thomas, a man lost in his (seemingly) uncontrollable urge for sex. He has multiple partners come to his secret apartment. He visits peep shows, strip bars, watches porn on screen, print and internet and attempts to hide his secret life by constantly lying. He also puts on the facade of good husband and father though his wife can feel the distance.

The movie does an excellent job of capturing the sex addiction in the dialog. I don't know if it was great filmmaking but the essence of sex addiction was revealed. I am guessing it would have been a bit teachy for an academy film but, hey, films have many different purposes and this one accomplished its goal of showing the underlying factors and truths about sex addiction through story.

SEX ADDICTION IS NOT ABOUT SEX. It's a chosen means to fill a gaping emotional and spiritual void. This comes through loud and clear. In this movie one of the contributing factors was a young Cameron being confidant and secret keeper with regards to his father's constant infidelity.

The film showed an accurate depiction of the recovery process. Pardon my lack of verbs here. The lying. The lack of control. The unwillingness to admit a problem. Claiming a high sex drive. The continuation of the minimization, denial, justification and rationalization. Hitting bottom. Admitting a problem. Still dealing with minimization, rationalization, and justification. Resistance to feeling deeply. Not wanting to be labeled a sex addict. Sees that as a freak or pervert. Getting in a community where real honesty and questioning can begin. A total commitment to honesty with everyone especially his wife. Real emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy begins to take place. All this in a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back process. Those are the high points anyway.

The film showed an excellent picture of a 12-step recovery group. It really can be a supportive place where believed lies can be debunked and truths then owned. It can be a place where a friend comes when one is battling temptation on a street corner filled with prostitutes. It's a place where one can finally be real and will be called on his bullshit when it comes out of his mouth. It's a place one can be accepted in his or her struggle.

One final excellent point the movie made. The sex addict loves his wife. Even when he was with all the other women he still loved his wife. This wasn't about her. It was about his aching, gaping black void in his soul and finding temporary relief through sex. He didn't ever quit loving her.

Caveat, there are two brief displays of nudity when Cameron hits his bottom. This wouldn't be appropriate for a recovering sex addict in the early stages of his recovery to view. I think they could have been left out but I didn't make the movie.

I think this movie can be helpful for therapists, wives of sex addicts, friends of sex addicts and anyone who believes that sex addiction is about sex.

(P.S-- I had my man friend sit through this movie with me and at one point he asked of Lisa Rinna in horror 'what is wrong with her lips?' I told him I was pretty sure she'd had work done. Upon further research of course she has. And um, Oh my god, she is only 45? and this movie came out 8 years ago? so that would have made her 37???

The moral of the story don't get too much Botox or your husband will fuck the neighborhood)