Tuesday, September 23, 2008

wake up now OR life goes on

I never wanted to be a cheerleader. At least I have no memories of wanting to be a cheerleader. I remember after middle school orientation I did go in my room and practice dance routines but they were all to songs from that album by Aqua. I know that I didn't choreograph a song to "Barbie Girl" but the names of the other songs on the album now escape me. I have now remembered them via google:

Choreographing a dance to this song is actually as close as I ever came to wanting to be a cheerleader. After this phase I immediately started dying my hair pink and looked at that as enough. I didn't have time to be a cheerleader because I was mourning the death of Kurt Cobain, who had already been dead for years.

I was not really a teenager in the 90's, and it turns out because of this, I really lucked out. I could have ended up like Kelly Martin. You remember Kelly Martin? She was Becca Thatcher on one of the best shows ever, Life Goes On
it was years before I realized that the Life Goes On theme song was not written specifically for the show. You'll have to give me a break on this one, this was at the age of 5 or 6. But ANYWAY

Things really went downhill for Kelly Martin, not because her boyfriend was HIV positive or because her television show was canceled, but because Tori Spelling would not let her join the cheerleading squad:

husbands &haters


From Husbands Against Lifetime:

My HALT Horror Story:

One day like any other day, I was innocently working up in my office. My wife was watching a Lifetime TV movie. A typical man-hating cheese flick where the wife catches her husband pulling a Lewinski with his secretary. The woman proceeds to take her revenge and take her husband to the cleaners. Of course making all men look lower then sludge in the process. This same premise is regurgitated in many different forms on Lifetime!

After the movie was over my wife promptly came upstairs to my office and wacked me across the back of the head saying "If you ever did that to me I’d give you a Bobbit and feed it to the dog". Naturally I recoiled at the thought of that. I proclaimed my innocence and cursed the wicked evil channel that is Lifetime TV!

And thus the seeds of HusbandsagainstlifetimeTV.com was born!

A few months later, again my wife decides to torture me by watching Lifetime one afternoon. This time she decided to invite a friend over to share in the pain. I make a hasty retreat to my office (I am a geek by trade after all). I come back downstairs after a bit and they are both on the couch crying. I grab something to drink and go back upstairs.

I come down stairs about 2 hours later and they are both still crying! "Man, what the hell is this movie about! You've been crying all afternoon!" I asked them.

They both replied "It's a different movie"!!

I'm waiting for the first woman to die from dehydration from watching Lifetime TV!! It's only a matter of time!!"

The first woman to die from Lifetime dehydration could very well be me.

Tori Spelling-- rebel? revolutionary?

Before we had collegecallgirl.blogspot.com and "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" playing on Showtime-- we had Tori Spelling starring in:

Now Co-Ed Call Girl is not a Lifetime Original Movie, it was made for CBS, but who cares? This one is definitely a classic.

Like all of us college girls, Tori finds herself strapped for cash. She meets a great group of people who own large beach houses and drive nice cars. And they tell her that all she has to do is put on the nice dresses they give her and go on out on dates with nice wealthy gentlemen. It seems she has really found her dream. This girl wont have to work at Dairy Queen over the summer.

Unfortunately, for Tori, she will have to put out. all the time. with everyone.

who knew?

When I was 13, I saw the movie Kids which convinced me that myself and almost everyone I knew would die of AIDs if we began fornicating. I was pretty sure even if I practiced safe sex, I would one day wake up on a couch with a boy singing "i'm casper the friendly ghost" and putting his HIV semen inside of me. This delayed my need to see a penis in real life for probably about 4-6 months

But these are modern times, and instead of scaring kids about the risks of HIV, lifetime has decided to move on to other STDS. Now I warn you, if you are under 18 and you are going to view these clips, they may delay your urge to see a penis in real life for 4-6 weeks.

I bring you: She's Too Young

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7

She's Too Young
tells the tale of Hannah, and her best friend Emma from Degrassi. They are normal high schools crossed with the girls from the movie 13. What makes them unique is that they go on a rampage giving blowjobs (these oral experiences are basically forced on them, while fake rap songs play in the background) This leads to everyone in the school spreading around some pretty gross stuff. You honestly have to sympathize with Hannah, because she wants to make older boy Nick (Nick has a car and hair like he's on the original 90210) like her. Emma from Degrassi on the other hand, eh. Even though there is a priceless scene where she spends about forty-five minutes counting up her sexual partners. I feel ya girl, trust me I feel.

memorable quotes:

school nurse: you must be Nick

Nick: yeah?

school nurse: as you may know, you have been exposed to syphilis

Nick: okay? so give me my magic bullet &we're done here

school nurse: syphilis is a highly contagious disease, you may have infected others

Nick: You want names?

school nurse: that will be helpful

Nick: If you want my advice, you'd better stick them all....cause I probably did

Spoiler: Everyone gets syphilis, including Emma from Degrassi!!!

Youtube also provides us with fan music videos!!!

oh....to be 12 again