Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Accidental Husband

This movie interested me because Denny from Grey's Anatomy is in it. Jeffrey Dean Morgan always looks sooo handsome and slightly terminally ill. I mean, dude gets cast as a dead guy multiple times. Izzie cuts the valves & ruins the show (but man that was an amazing dress). He was the dead patriarch on Supernatural which I am surprised I never got into AND He also is the deceased Judah Botwin on Weeds. It really makes me wonder if Nancy & her "boo-hoo I won't sleep with my hot, hilarious brother-in-law but I can consistently sip iced coffee & wear these short shorts after being a mother of three" ass ever deserved him. Probably not, Nancy. You ruined everything after you decided not to pursue Conrad and live happily ever after. But back to Denny--Jeffrey Dean Morgan-- he has those dreamy "I'll play baseball with our children" eyes. Swoon.

In this movie The Accidental Husband he lives in Astoria and sports an exaggerated Bronxish/Brooklinish/Queensish accent & is employed as a NYC city fireman. I must note he is way better at being a fireman than friggin' Dean Cain. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is not going to run around in a cape (not even in The Watchmen) and he would never pursue Denise Richards (Sorry, Denise, you're so pretty!)

So we're in New York City, and the film is actually shot in NYC props props. There are little flower stand bodegas & bars full of really attractive man having drinks together. A note on the latter: the inaccuracy of this bar is that it is not Splash, The Metropolitan, The Monster or The Eagle or any other gay bar du juor it is just a sports bar with no women in except Uma Thurman. Yeah, she is in this movie too.

(Is this even a real lifetime original? It seems too high budget. Okay, I just googled it apparently they released this one in theaters. The sets were a give away. Lifetime doesn't shoot on location, they shoot in Canada. Regardless, this is Made for TV material.)

Uma Thurman is a radio host, Dr. Emma Lloyd. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie Dr.Lloyd (Thurman) gives some advice to a bride to be. Telling said bride to break-up with her fiance. She listens to the advice. Guess who the fiance is? Alright, I already gave it away. It's Denny errr Patrick Sullivan. Patrick is rightfully pissed at the C U Next Tuesday Dr.Lloyd so out of spite he has his whiz kid neighbor hack into the public records and instead of giving the good lady a D.U.I or registering her as a sex offender he has whiz kid change the public record to say that he Patrick Sullivan and the marriage-wrecker-advice-giver Dr.Lloyd are married! Dun da dun.

I should start doing this. Sorry asshole, we're married! Surprise!!!!

Uma could have gone forever without finding out, but she is supposed to marry Colin Firth. I am not even going to bother learning his movie name. Anyway she can't marry Colin Firth because she's already married to Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

Now this is how we got to the sports bar full of hot straight men earlier. Uma tracks down "Patrick Sullivan of ASTORIA, NEW YORK) which is in Queens btw. She then precedes to do a bunch of shots, remove the top of her suit jacket and recite the names of the presidents. She gets so sloppy wasted while trying to serve him divorce papers that she passes out. Patrick Sullivan being the ideal bro flings Thurman over his shoulder & puts her to bed for the night. You have to appreciate a man carrying a woman cave man style. This only has happened to me once and I am pretty sure it was after I spent the evening projectile vomiting. Whoops.

Here is the part where they always lose me and make me feel like I go about all of my relationships the wrong way.

The day after Emma Lloyd passes out in firefighters bed she wakes up freaks out runs around frantic in her walk of shame clothes. She tracks firefighter Patrick down and tells him how urgent it is that they go get this divorce settled etc etc But Emma has to also plan her wedding today. Today right now! All the appointments. Since you can't take 2 separate cabs & meet at the courthouse around 2 PM Patrick goes with Dr.Lloyd to taste wedding cakes! Just the two of them, a day around New York, both of them with fiances.

Let's talk about wedding cake. Do you know how often I crave wedding cake? Very frequently. I understand that wedding cake doesnt mean "white cake" or "devil's food cake" that it can be any kind of cake, but it always tastes better at weddings. At weddings you are so blitzed from the open bar that the wedding cake has no calories & who cares if Cousin Joey is feeling you up on the dance floor- as long as he's not your cousin- and there is an ample supply of dirty Shirley's & buttercream frosting. Wedding Cake, let's do this.

This movie can now go two ways.

1) Patrick Sullivan and Emma Lloyd get divorced. Sullivan goes back with the fiance that Dr.Lloyd advised to leave him & Dr.Lloyd marries annoying Colin Firth.


2) Running all these errands together Patrick & Emma find so much appeal in the new stranger next to them because they are bored out of their minds after boning the same person for years and somehow think this will be different. It will be different because Colin Firth is so annoying. They could stay together and the uptight Upper East Sider could forever love the firefighter from Queens despite their quirky differences.

If this was a proper made for TV movie neither of those scenarios would take place and Patrick Sullivan's original fiance would stalk & murder Dr.Lloyd who ruined her life and married her man. Colin Firth could also end up turning into a zombie, infecting Jeffrey Dean Morgan who bites Uma Thurman thereby letting us now how shit got started before episode 1 of The Walking Dead.

Don't watch this one. Just imagine the last scenario a few times. Ahhhhhh!!!!

No comments: